I've been falling down the Youtube rabbit hole this week. Normally it's aimless, mindless shit. Basically, the equivalent of sitting on the couch in my underwear flipping through the channels on television. For some reason, most of the time, I justify this lack of activity in my head by telling myself that "I'm not watching TV", but truthfully, I may as well be. I've been on a bit of a kratom /herbal remedies kick the last few weeks, and I started watching review videos on this review/eductional channel called Kratom Hippie.
She's ok. I enjoy watching her stuff... But, to my point, she had a video where she was going through the contents of her "Kratom drawer", and as she went through each item in the drawer, I was reminded of a substance she had in there that I spent like, a month researching last year, and somehow forgot about: Modafinil.
Take a few minutes and familiarize yourself.
Last year I was obsessed with the shit. I was diagnosed with ADHD in first grade. It was the 80's. They pumped me full of Ritalin. I went from completely off the wall, (you know... a perfectly normal 7 year old boy) to an obedient, silent, shell of a human practically overnight. Cut to a few years later and about a half dozen dosage adjustments. My Mother re- married, and my new Dad wasn't having it. He threw that shit in the trash almost immediately. Say what you will about giving Elementary school kids powerful psychoactive drugs, while I believe he did the right thing at the time, it became clear by the time I was a teenager that my brain just didn't function like almost everyone else's.
Since he came around, I was basically taught that ADD and ADHD were bullshit, and medication for these bullshit "disorders" were useless. Should I have been on that shit when I was 7? Probably not, but now that I'm pushing forty, and I look back at my life, the older I got, the more I now believe I would have benefited from at least some treatment for an affliction that crippled me in ways I didn't even understand.
I went years, decades even, in a foggy funk. Daydreaming. No initiative or motivation. Barely skating by. Always tired.
No focus, plan or goals.
No attention to detail, or attention span. Starting things and then abandoning them almost instantly. Lost in my own head.
That was until a buddy of mine hooked me up with a handful of Adderall one weekend.
Just in case, here:
My kids birthday party was Saturday, and I had a bunch of shit that needed to get done in preparation.
Holy shit. 2 straight days of focused, positive productivity. I GOT. SHIT. DONE. You know.. like regular people do. It was pretty intense though. Think a concentrated. sharper edged cocaine. There were definitely a few negative side effects, but I was in awe of how positively my brain reacted to it.
So much so, that I scoured the internet. Maybe ADHD/ADD weren't bullshit after all.
Check this out:
Browsing reddit, I stumbled on the ADHD subreddit and damn near cried when I read people's stories. I could have written them myself. What I also learned was that medication had profound positive impacts on these folks' lives.
All of this wasn't just me being a lazy, selfish shitbag, and that the diagnosis i had received ages ago fit what I thought was just my personality to a T,
I almost immediately talked to my doctor about resuming treatment. I mentioned Adderall. He wasn't having it. My blood pressure had been sky high for a while, and he was concerned that such a powerful stimulant would probably induce a stroke.
Dejected, I went home and started looking for other alternatives.
That's when I discovered Modafinil/Armodafinil. "The Limitless Drug"
Ahh.. One of my favorite flicks.
Sounds great, right?
Kinda... The idea, anyway. This shit isn't exactly NZT-48, but everywhere I looked, this pill produced to combat narcolepsy was being prescribed left and right "off label" to ADHD patients with phenomenal success without the "meth-y" side effects that accompanied Adderall.
Sign me up.
I pitched it to my doctor. He went home and "looked into it."
Next visit, he says that it's made to treat narcolepsy, and that we'd have to do a sleep study, and yadda yadda yadda.
It was time to take matters into my own hands.
The internet is a wonderful place. It turns out... The stuff is completely over-the-counter in India. And they'll mail it to you. Right to your door.
I found a website with a stellar reputation. Tried to put in an order, but my credit card wasn't a big fan of overseas transactions, and I was denied.
The ADD kicked in. I could use bitcoins, but that's a fucking process. I gave up.
To be revisited "later". The story of my life. I just forgot it existed. I obsessed over this shit for a month, and it just fucking evaporated from my brain.
A year or so later, here I am... On a kratom "binge" of sorts, and this nice Kratom Hippie lady casually mentions Modafinil, and it all comes flooding back. I watch a dozen (or more) Modafinil/Armodafinil reviews. I think it might be time to finally revisit this idea. Then I find Epic Beasts.
I'm back in.
(PS: Subscribe to that dude, and sign up for his mailing list. He is a fucking riot, and I've contacted him about a potential collaboration in the very near future... Stay tuned)
The bad news? The website I found last year that carries the stuff (mentioned in Jack's video above) went out of business about 6 months ago.
Also, I'm poor, and the shit ain't cheap. These imported puppies go for a minimum of $2-3 a pop, and you gotta at least order 20 wherever you look. That's lot of cabbage to drop on something when you're struggling to make ends meet and you have no clue how your grey matter is going to respond to it.
the good news? I contacted some nice people at ModPharma. They offered me a free sample in exchange for an unboxing video and review on my new channel.
I'm so excited.
It's the dawn of a new day, kids. This could very well be the answer. I've struggled my whole life. This attempt at self improvement has to stick. Modafinil/Armodafinil may actually get me out of the rut that I've been living in for the last few decades. If it's a success, (which I truly believe it will be) I can finally attack all the shit I just let die. Hit the gym (Crossfit?) Write. Pod. Everything. With purpose, and dedication. Focus and motivation. I don't remember the last time I was this optimistic.
It should be on it's way. All goes well, and not only will they have gained a customer for life, they may end up sponsoring the podcast.
Things are finally comin' up Milhouse.
Check back here regularly, and subscribe to The Heavy Handshake on Youtube for the story as it unfolds and more. As always, thanks for checking The Heavy Handshake out. If you like it, then you should probably put a ring on it.